page.of.rants

pffft.
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its not the kind of reward you guys are thinkin about ! ^^;
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I was rewarded with something I deserved.. for something I’ve done in the past. Something bad, real bad.. And I’m particularly fulfilled with the reward I was given.
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But its only when she said "I used to respect you for what you have done, but no more now.." that I regretted adding the catalyst to the process 3 weeks ago.
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Maybe it was wrong -maybe I’m cruel for using such catalyst- but all in all everything I do is for our own good.. I think ? I assumed that way, I decided to do things this way.. maybe because I think other alternative(s) will drag things further.. thus making us unable to move…forward ?
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I had enough of contemplating, thats why I decided. And now I regret rushing my decision back then. But whats done is done, and if loss of respect is my reward.. i guess that just have to be it. I guess the wise saying is always right, you can never make everyone happy.
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I deserve not to be happy now.
Because I know I will be happy in the days to come.
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I’m sorry for doing things my way, without saying anything to anyone, but I guess this is the me now. The Do or Don’t guy - no more floating over decisions for ages.
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Its been awhile since I feel this way =) this year sure feels like a good year, lets cross our fingers and hope happiness will come our way all along 2008 ! ^^

~for the one i loved the most.. so far.
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Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
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You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
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Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I’m slowly getting closure.
I guess it’s really over.
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
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‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through,
I got over you.
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no.. there nothing here..
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~leaving memories behind and making new ones that are more beautiful in the future.. isnt that what life is all about ? thank you.. for everything.. and goodbye.

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"I want you to love me, but I don’t think you will"
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It’s the only answer I have, even though I’m scared of getting hurt..
I’ll say "I love you" to the one I love.
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Do you love me, do you not ?
I don’t care what the answer is, I just need to know !
No matter how badly I desire to be with you,
There are many unchangeable things in this world ~
and my love for you - is the truth unchangeable by anyone..
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As 1000 nights pass, I so wanted to tell you…
I definately have to let you know..
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"I want you to love me, but I don’t think you will"
I wander around as I repeat this to myself
It’s the only answer I have, even though I’m scared of getting hurt..
I’ll still say "I love you" to the one I love.
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* Putting these feelings into words is so scary… but,
I’ll definately say "I love you" to the one I love.
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I wanted to look into your eyes, but was afraid I wouldn’t be honest,
I didn’t want to know that you didn’t love me,
and live the rest of my days all alone.
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~ that day, I kept on loving you without getting hurt
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Even if my feelings aren’t returned,
as long as I can say "I love you" to the one I love,
Isn’t that the most beautiful thing ?
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caterpillaru-chan… aitai yo..
[ Sen no Yoru wo Koete - Aqua Timez ]

Performed by Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK..
I miss you..

I haven’t felt this way before
Everything that I do
reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
are lyin’ on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK..
I miss you..

We were made for each other
out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK

I miss you…

tell me.. what can I do.. ? *hugs*

It’s never been easy for me
To find words to go along with a melody,
but this time there’s actually something on my mind,
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines.

Since I met you my whole life has changed,
It’s not just my furniture you’ve re-arranged.
I was living in the past
but somehow you’ve brought me back,
and I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said "Relax"

And now I know based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet.
All I’m asking you
is don’t write me off just yet.

For years I’ve been telling myself the same old story,
that I’m happy to live off my so called former glories,
but you’ve given me a reason to take another chance.
Now I need you despite the fact -
that you’ve killed all my plants.

And now I know,
I’ve already blown more chances
than anyone should ever get.
All I’m asking you
is don’t write me off just yet.

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I know you tried, I know you cried
and I know we’ve almost had it all
but at the end, when you’re not by my side
these helpless tears can’t do anything else but fall
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All our feelings were so real, so true
You know it is, everytime we say "i love you"
but at the end, when our time is due
these helpless hands definately still want to hold you
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Your happiness was my one and only goal
yet these times I neglected, taking you for granted
so at the end, when I’m not the one you call
these helpless lips can’t smile for you like how I wanted
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so baby, when yesterdays’ all we’ve got
I’ll carry on ahead, and keep you in my heart
and at the end, if fate decides to give us another shot
I swear, I’ll friggin love you - ’till death do us apart !
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perth.25*05*07.5-51pm
~kev

par·a·digm (pār’ə-dīm’, -dĭm’) 
noun.
A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an intellectual discipline.
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My way of viewing reality.. has shifted. And not just by a small fraction, it shifted completely from how, what, and who I am before to what I am now.
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well, its not a surprise. I’ve felt it ever since last year, my principals that I held up high in my life have fallen apart one by one. My ideals, my goals, my perfectionisms have been poisoned by the so-called adaptation and reasoning. I’ve settled with things less than my standards one too many times for the last 3 years of my life.. I was lying to my self that I’m satisfied with what I had in me, what I had with me -when honestly I wasn’t- and I’ve always known, deep down inside.
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Result ? I’ve become a man less than the man I was before. I’ve said things I wouldn’t said before, I thought of things I wouldn’t even dreamt of thinking before, I done things, bad things, that I know I will never, ever do if I am still the man I was.
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Worse, I felt less guilty than how I should feel.. I know I should regret that I’ve done, said, thought of those.. I know I should feel guilty. I know I should be ashamed of myself.. I know I should be sorry.. but God help me, I just can’t. I want to, but I can’t. And I don’t know how to go back.. I don’t even know if I want to go back..
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Today, I slapped a female. Not once, not twice. Four times. FOUR frigg’n times.
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Not only that, I said things I have always thought of her, bad things, that I have always buried deep down inside, that I have always wanted to say, but have always held back.. because I was afraid to break the already fragile form of her. Because I used to care too much for our own good… used to love too much for her own good.. used to settle for less -way too much- for my own good.
I’ve done that much in one day, no, not one day, not even one hour.
And you know what ?
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I don’t feel a thing.
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Not a    s i n g l e    spark of regret or guilt. I know I snapped, I know I was angry -the angriest I’ve ever been for 22 years- I know I was dissapointed, very, very, VERY dissapointed, and I know I went berserk.. but regret ? guilt ? shame ? SORRY ? where have they gone to ? why can’t I feel them anymore ? what am I now.. ? what have I become… ?
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For all females that might read this.. I apologize. I have never used any form of violence to any other females as long as I have lived, and I have always wanted to keep it that way. But not today. Not TODAY. And not to her. Specially her.
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If this is what paradigm shift is, if this is what and how I’m going to live the rest of my life as, then so be it. I’m tired of being the nice guy that I have always wanted to be, that I have always want people to see me as. Let someone take over the role, I quit. I had my share of being dissapointed, of being cheated, of being lied to, of being bitched about. Its my time to do all those to people, its my time to pay back all the things I’ve experienced to the people that made me experiece those.
Starting from TODAY.
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This is not a blog entry, this is a declaration. This is a warning. This is a safety sign. Read it slowly and carefully.
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KEVIN MARIO OSCAR HARTONO IS NOT HERE ANYMORE.
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He’s off to a better place, where good guys get good things, where good guys don’t get cheated on a whim. Where forgiveness actually matters and not being abused. Where good guys find good girls, where lies are non-existent and constant dissapointment is an alien word. He went to that utopia and he’s going to be there for a good while. Not sure when he’s coming back, I’ll send postcards if I have time.
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So yeah, this is it. The end of the line. I’ve said what I want to say. I think I actually starting to feel glad I did bad things.. but what goes around, comes around. I might have to prepare myself for my own karma, its not going to be pretty, but bring it on. It couldn’t be any worse than what I’ve been through for 3 years, nothing could be worse, actually. So I think I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be fine.
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Today is the day where that chapter of my life called "Being Stupid and Nice" ends.
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The next chapter will soon start,
It won’t be very heartwarming, and I won’t be the victim like the last one.
*grins* I think I’m going to enjoy it.

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you know, my caterpillar, you will always be my caterpillar no matter what you’ve done to me. you will always be in my heart no matter how I despise you, no matter how hard I wished I never met you.. you will always be the one I care about.. no matter how many times you go on and off with random guys..
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you, no matter how pissed I am at you, I will always care about you… that one fact that I hate the most, but the one fact I can’t change. I hate how you make me to finally hate you this much… but..
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you…. just to you, who the crescent will always belong -no matter how much I HATE you.
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~v out

phew.
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why must we have such a complicated thread of feelings weaved inside our very own heart.. ? why can’t we have a simple a-to-b relation so people wont get hurt and wont be scared to do things that might hurt others.. ?
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i’m stuck between my past, my present, and my future. nothing is certain and it wont ever be certain if things are still going on this way. No, not until I’ve decided and am strong enough to pick a side.
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but how can you pick a side when both side happens to be your allies ?
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geee.. this is what happens if you put a blabbermouth in front of a pc at 4am in the morning.. well.. its 4am and I should be lonely, like ol’ Rob said.
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oh.. for my lovely friend Pur2, I’m really sorry for not replying your sms-es, this apology goes not only for you but for all the guys that sms-ed me and STILL havent see a reply. I’ve been driving around these few days and with my current PDA phone, well, you can’t expect me sms-ing using a touchscreen while both my hands are on the steering wheel and the gearknob. And yes Pur we’ll still go to watch that movie on Tuesday nite aight ? ( i didnt think I replied ur last sms AGAIN T_T )
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duh, this is not supposed to be an apology post lawl. I’m just plain confused with these… jealousy and envy, and regret, and the neverending wish to turn back time. But I guess all of us have been there. For you who hasn’t, dude, c’est la vie ! Do everything you want without holding back even though people will call you a bastard or a player or a lowlife or whatever they might throw at you. Living with regret is still worse than that. Much, much worse.
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dedicated to YUI.. karma sure have its way huh ? *hugs* all the best for you and him =)
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~kev out

I POSTED AGAIN !
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lol… yeh yeh that was a long break from the last post… well anyways I’m just thinkin’ about the latest ( not like really really latest ) but just came to my mind lately.. about New Year’s Eve and who you’re spending it with.
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Still fresh in my mind, 31st December 1997. I was playing Chrono Trigger when my mom forced me to attend a church function where the youth will -supposedly- celebrate New Year together. The thing is, my mom was so sure its held on the night 1st of January 1998, which sounded logical since most people would like to spend the countdown with their family / friends. Well, so I carried on slashing and bashing enemies on the Black Omen, 1200BC while 1997 passed me by, knowing that I’ll have fun the night after with youth from my church.
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Well, as you might guess, my mom was wrong. ROFL.
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But strangely I didn’t feel um.. dissapointed ? I did feel left behind and stupid of course, but other than that I won’t say that I’d turn back time and have that youth party instead ( too much Time Travel Games ) I didn’t regret that New Year felt so.. normal.
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Now, present time, I have friends who are so afraid and ashamed if they aren’t able to spend New Year’s Eve with their friends. A CERTAIN number of friends. Doing a certain activity together. And honestly, I felt a bit like them too. Come 2007 if people asked me "How was your New Year ?" a part of me don’t want to answer that with "well.. normal, I spent the night with my parents, counted down till 2007 and went to sleep afterwards"
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Which is WEIRD. I love my parents and I love doing activity with them, but wtf made me (or a part of me, not me as a whole) think like I thought above ? Is it adolescence ? Maturity ? The feeling of freedom, to be a free individual, not attached to your parents anymore ? Whee, I’m terribly confused now.
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Oh well, yes, thats all I want to write. Any of you have the same feeling as me ? I really want to go back to the 1997 me where I can just sit down and relax without feeling the rush that "I HAVE TO SPEND NEW YEARS EVE WITH COOL FRIENDS DOING COOL THINGS" but I really have no idea what started it first…. which will come to you guys..
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Please drop your comments if you’re feeling this syndrome so we can get over it together ( and for youse that aren’t affected, well, tell me your other stories about your own weird syndromes ^^ )
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ADIOS 2006 ~! and may all of us have a great, great New Year ( with or without cool friends around hihi )

CHEERS !

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~kev out
i missed you.. my caterpillar.. *hugs*